A Pinch for More Dreams

(Tyo: Guru Bahasa Inggris)
There was only dim light that fills every corner of the room. The wind was blowing peacefully through the window that was deliberately slightly open. The curtain created movement which at the same time there was slightly wavy shadow movements. They became faster and faster, and finally turned into a white cloth that I couldn’t stop playing with. My squeezing became more rhythmic and finally had to stop when there was a loud voice shouting a name.
“Tyo … !!!”
Suddenly, the beating of the heart which was already like a drum without a rhythm, became increasingly louder and uncontrollable. However, I had to keep up with the call or else I would miss another golden opportunity. Even though these footsteps were heavy and accompanied by uncontrollable shaking, the necessity of standing in front of the class could no longer be postponed. Amidst this uncertainty, there was a deep voice whispering and echoing.
Overcome your fear.
I didn’t even know where the voice came from. However, it was so familiar and so empowering. In fact, this wasn’t the first time to happen. It often appeared in almost similar disorders. It was hard to understand this recurring event which often invited unresolved curiosity.
* * *
The first year of interacting with elementary school students was a challenge for me personally. I never imagined that I would be in this situation. Fear and severe stress had colored my first days in a new work unit. Not only have to adapt to new co-workers, but the most important thing was how to find the right formula to be accepted by the children.
” … It is an honor for me to be trusted to join this work unit. I ask for guidance and cooperation from seniors for me to learn.” Those were a few words came out of my stiff lips when I was given the opportunity to introduce myself in front of the senior teachers.
Although very short, but the event was very tense. Because after all, honestly in my heart, I still didn’t deserve to be in line with the great seniors who didn’t stop paying attention to me at that time. However, I was just an inexperienced kid who hadn’t been able to make a meaningful contribution to the world of education. Whatever it was, everything had to keep going.
Then, time passed and it came to me that I had to be confronted with the thing I dreaded the most. Something I had never experienced before, in direct contact with the children in the learning process in class.
“Mr. Tyo, it’s time for you to introduce yourself in class. The students are waiting,” said a teacher.
“Okay ma’am. I’m ready,” I replied trying to remain calm.
One thing to remember at that time was I would try to have fun to those innocent characters for the first meeting. In short, my approach was quite successful and caught their attention by introducing a method of learning English that they seemed to have never had before. In fact, the teacher who witnessed my approach to students gave praise because the kids seemed to enjoy what I was giving in class. I also felt a little relieved and momentarily dispelled my self-doubt. Arguably, this is not a bad start.
* * *
“What’s the matter with you?”
A co-teacher asked about my change in attitude and expression. Looks like I lost focus. I was wondering where. To the extent that I didn’t pay attention to the people around me who repeatedly called and even invited me to chat.
“How could this happen? I can’t believe what I’ve just seen. What is this?” my heart murmured in a deep confusion. Feelings of regret about imperfection in taking advantage of every opportunity in the past suddenly reappeared, especially in childhood. Ordinarily, when this happened, the feeling would only make other regrets getting endless. However, how could this so different? It was as if I found a small point of light. It used to having drifted away and faded away when I was in a perfect dark.
Awkwardly, just as the light slowly dazzled and formed a figure that I was sure really familiar with, a few voice woke me from this complicated thoughts. Somebody told me to be ready for the next agenda of the event. I was in a rehearsal for the 6th grade student elevation event at PYP Al Fidaus Elementary. It was such a big honor for me to be trusted to be the MC to handle the big event. After almost a year with the children who gave an amazing response and welcomed me as their new teacher, the time has finally come to say goodbye.
“Who is that little boy?” I asked in amazement.
“Third graders,” somebody explained me.
I could see the immense shame and tension in the boy’s face. However, he could manage it very skillfully so that his performance looked perfect in giving a farewell speech to grade 6 students. One thing that amazed me was that his speech was too long and deep in meaning. However, he was able to perform it without looking at the script at all. It must have been a lot of practice and effort, I thought.
The student elevation event went smoothly. In the same time, I could see some of the talents of the children who performed, including a little boy who immediately caught my attention during the previous rehearsal. I got the information that the boy is usually called Ahmad. He was the younger brother of one of the 6th graders that I taught in class. What a coincidence! I had asked him how long it took him to memorize the script he displayed. He answered only with a smile and bowed his head shyly.
* * *
Ahmad was a smiley boy but a very shy. He would always give the sweetest smile when in contact to anyone. There were many stories that I got after accidentally getting to know this child some time ago. He often participated in various Olympic competitions and often became a winner. Even, his achievements were often published in the city’s newspapers.
On one occasion, I met her mother at school. She was very kind and friendly. So, it was not surprising that many teachers respected and liked her that much. Actually, our conversation was relatively short, but we discussed a little about Ahmad. I had to say, from the many achievements that have been very much, and I suggested to try to participate in skill competitions as well. His performance when he was one of the performers at a student elevation event some time ago was a good skill and would be even better if he continued to apply it in so many events.
“Ahmad is a very shy boy, ust. Could he possibly compete with other kids who are more confident than him?”
“No worries, ma’am. I’ll be glad to help. It’s a matter of practice,” I answered to convince. “By the way, I have an information about an English Competition_Say and Tell. Though, it’s still only at the city level, it will be good for him as a good start. One thing is for sure, don’t think about losing or winning. Just try to participate and take the competitive experience first.”
After that short conversation, Ahmad and I saw each other more often even though he was not my student in class. He was a really shy boy. There was often awkwardness at the beginning of the conversation. Luckily, I was able to keep his attention by talking about the things his age might like. It turned out, we had some things in common. We liked anime and Japanese comics. Superheroes movies could also be an interesting conversation between us because we were both fans of Marvel movies. While trying to get to know each other, we always brought up topics of conversation that we enjoyed. I could use this condition as a way to start to introduce my intentions and goals so that he wants to compete in competitions that I have told to his mother before.
I was so much happy to explain the English Competition_Say and Tell to him. This competition prioritized the performance of the children to tell stories in front of the jury or even the audience. To be able to give their best performance, students had to go through series of practices that were indeed a process starting from preparing story scripts, making properties, and the most importantly having basic supporting public speaking skills. My brief explanation turned out to increase his enthusiasm.
“But I’ve never participated in such competition, ust. In addition, participants must present their product in English. Honestly I’m just scared,” the boy’s answer doubted his own ability.
“Trust me. You can do it well. Overcome your fear,” I answered promisingly. But, hold on a second! What did I just say? I seem to have heard those last words before. But where?”
“Pardon!” he replied in curiosity.
“Oh, it’s nothing. Forget it!”
* * *
“Ust. Tyo, try holding my chest. I’m extremely nervous this time.”
Ahmad quickly grabbed my hand and put it on his chest, which was actually beating so fast. He admitted that he often experienced this when he participated in any competitions, especially since it was a performance competition. It’s just getting worse that he felt. Winners would be announced from the bottom group of participants. When it was 4th grade’s turn to read the results, Ahmad’s hands squeezed my fingers tighter and I could feel his heart beating faster and more clearly.
It’s a very funny occasion. However, this condition was very familiar to me personally. This immediately reminded me of little Tyo in the past who happened to often experience the same feeling. I needed someone then. I needed to be calmed to express my anxiety by not stopping walking around aimlessly. Even if necessary, I needed someone I could pinch to release my nervous. It’s hard to believe, he said the same thing at that time. Absolutely the same. So that I could feel what this boy was feeling.
“But, now it feels different when there’s Ust. Tyo accompanying me. I felt calmer and more confident. Even though it’s still a bit tense in the beginning, I don’t know, I just can overcome my fear,” he explained innocently.
How could those words resounded? The boy’s last words get me more surprised one more time. Those words get so familiar and I used to ever listen as well.
“One thing I really wanted to do but I am too shy to say it. May I be honest?”
“What is it?” I asked curiously.
“I really want to pinch someone. And that person is Ust. Tyo,” he explained chuckling.
“Then why didn’t you do it?”
“Of course I dare not. And it would be so rude if I did it to my own teacher. But on another occasion, if there is such competition again and ust Tyo who accompanies me, don’t be surprised if suddenly I’m gonna give a pinch that really hurts. I wouldn’t dare to do that to my other teachers. No other teacher that I can consider as a friend like ust Tyo,” he explained honestly.
Then, he expressed joy when his name was called as the 3rd winner of the English Say and Tell competition which he was participating in for the first time. As what I have predicted, it’s a very proud achievement.
Time passed and Ahmad’s closeness to me exceeded to his brother, whom I had known before. Ahmad, who was known to be very introverted and shy boy, began to freely tell me anything. He also did not hesitate to make excessive physical contact such as to hold hands or to hug.
I called it as an amazing gift for I could know little Tyo and Ahmad in different time and space. I might give no pinch to anyone while I used to be as Ahmad experienced in recent. Due to, it was impossible for me to do it in the past time for I didn’t get close to any teacher. Instead, I will often get a pinch from a little boy who unexpectedly I could learn many things from. After his first achievement, he promised me to continue participating for other competitions. Automatically, we would often get in touch and learn together to change the fear into the dreams through a pinch.